Your face is a jimmy john
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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