how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
