his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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