no, he came in my armpit
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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