I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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