I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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