Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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