just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
