We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
