Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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