I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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