He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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