i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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