So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
soo... how was my night?
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