I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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