there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I looked at my own cervix.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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