so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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