dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
