Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
