a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
