Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
