Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
a search helicopter?!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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