the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
