The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
PANTIES FOUND
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