I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
