Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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