i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
should my penis look like a turkey
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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