she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
