No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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