She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
