Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
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