For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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