Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
