I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
