I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
