My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
