I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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