mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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