So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
