Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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