Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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