Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
