I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
