I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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