8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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