The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
