how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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