shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
