The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
