Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
