I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
