hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
