I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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