Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize