New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
