Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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