Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
