I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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