I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
