So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize