I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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