Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just google imaged poop.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
