I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
